On Living a Life of Loss and Love ...

We foster for an animal rescue and that means, for us anyhow, we deal with more deaths of those we love than many. Palliative fosters, sick kittens, elderly animals -all a part of the family - and most a part of our hearts have died. Fostering is, in and of itself an exercise in loss,even sending a foster to a loving forever home is often bittersweet. We have a tiny family but cancer has been very cruel to those closest to us, taking 7 immediate family members since we have been adults. Add a few other deaths of people near and dear to us and I have become pretty experienced at grief.

Little Wyn was in one of those fluke accidents you hope will never happen to you or one you love.
He and Sally were playing a riotous game of chase on the lawn while I did morning chores. I watched them and appreciated the fun they were having; stepped inside with the small dogs to get warm water for the chickens, stepped out and Sally was at the door-quite frantic. I let her in then hustled around the corner to see what had happened. A neighbour was waiting for me.

"I'm sorry. I hit your dog."

blank 

"I saw them playing, I should have slowed down, the kids distracted me."

"It's OK." (Yah, that was my first and ongoing reaction: grief is strange)

"I'm pretty sure he's gone."

I ran to him and she was right. Why he, a 40+ pound dog died when much smaller dogs survive I will never know. One second in time spent differently on so many people's parts and he would not have have even been clipped. All he was doing was a big goofy puppy circle RIGHT at the end of the driveway. As far as I could tell he wasn't even fully in the road. He was killed instantly. I suppose he broke his neck? He bit his tongue and there was a tiny bit of blood from that. (You all know how much mouth wounds bleed).

The outpouring of love for Wyn has staggered me.  From Switzerland, England, New Zealand, all over Canada, and the States, people have reached out in this, the busiest time of year, to offer what comfort they can, to cry and celebrate and do all the things one does in tragic times. People from all of my worlds, and complete strangers, have collided in grief. This funny outgoing little puppy has had more tears shed for him then I can imagine.

Grief is a funny thing. It has pushed some of Wyn's crew to great faith. God must have needed a puppy for Christmas. And others away. Why? How is this possible after seeing you with him? Both approaches offer us consolation. People are being so generous and trying so hard to right this terrible wrong.

From the nearly inarticulate words of some "I'm so sorry", " I don't know what to say", "Please tell me it isn't true" to some beautiful passages shared

“We who choose to surround ourselves
with lives even more temporary than our
own, live within a fragile circle;
easily and often breached.
Unable to accept its awful gaps,
we would still live no other way.
We cherish memory as the only
certain immortality, never fully
understanding the necessary plan.” 
― Irving Townsend

To beautiful memories and words shared:

I had a special place in my heart for this boy!! 
A short life, but a very rich one.
I have followed the wonderful life of Wyn from the very beginning, and I watched him grow from a teeny little guy, into the most handsome boy!! 
He has a very special story and his special story was told by you with such love that it made everyone fall in love with him.
To love is better than never experiencing love. Wynn loved you, adored you from the moment you rescued him.
You welcomed everyone to love him.
Wyn wanted for nothing...right from the start. 
What a lucky boy he was... Although his life was short, it sure was fun!
He took a great big bite of life and leaves paw prints on our hearts.
We just never know when our loved ones time is up and I believe you always knew that and you enjoy and cherish your days.
Wyn was a wonderful gift and a breath of fresh air and he will be missed by everyone.
Godspeed little man.

To this, from communications specialist, author and Wyn's other mother, Kathryn Harvey: 

Every once in a while, somebody comes into your life and ends up not being able to stay very long. But for those who know how to live right, more joy and love can be packed into a short visit than can be experienced in a thousand years of going through the motions. From being bottle-fed every couple of hours to demonstrating impressive skills in scent detection, Wyn lived a concentrated life. His enthusiasm was infectious, his pure evil sweetness unforgettable. And his luck in finding Andrea and Tom, well, that was just about the best part of all. If you're not going to be around for a long time, make sure you're in the best possible company. Wyn did, and we're all the richer to have been able to share in his story.

Perhaps as someone suggested today it's because our inn was so over full with him that fostering was out of the question and there is someone in need of us.

No beautiful boy today, today I'm missing you - and all those who have gone before you- an awful lot. But I'll be OK. More OK for having had the chance to love you than I would have been without you. Thanks for asking, and thanks for being you. Grief extends my empathy and compassion. Grief sucks and while I wish I never had to experience it again I know it has shaped me and for that I must be grateful. 

Will we open ourselves up to this sort of grief again? Not today, not tomorrow (I so so hope!), but inevitably yes. We will. Because that's the way we roll. 

TJH

My husband's father died on Friday. He had cancer - a disease that has decimated my family but had, until now, left his family untouched pretty much.
Bo fought hard - there were things to do; parties to celebrate; people to talk to. Bo was an extrovert in every sense of the term - a gifted public speaker, a generous man, you could watch him soak up energy when he was surrounded by people. Volunteer of the Year for his community he was active until the brain tumour affected his balance and curling wasn't safe. In many ways he and I were complete opposites but we got along beautifully. I could always talk to Bo. He loved to cook, was interested in what was going on in my animal/natural world and could sit and just be when that was what I needed to do. He adored his wife and went out of his way to do what he could for her. He could be pretty cranky at times - and he could drive me mad fussing about things we couldn't control but his abiding love for his family earned him an awful lot of "cred" in my book.

He will be sorely missed by many, me included.

Highway of Heros ...

Canada has a specific stretch of highway that all fallen soldiers travel. Because of Afganistan more soldiers than in the past have returned home, in hearses, and been driven along this highway.

It's a pretty emotional drive even when you don't know the specific soldiers. Today 4 soldiers and 1 journalist were coming home for the last time. I was an emotional wreck until I realized I could share the patriotism of Canadians with my blog.




Yup these are all different bridges along our route today. In all different areas. With all different people. Young, old, and everything in between. Lots of emergency services folsk join the vigil when they can.

The bridges along the stretch of highway are in populated areas- unpopulated areas and every thing in between. Today the entire highway (bridges anyhow) was full of people. Forgive the lousy pictures - but phone camera + moving car = blurry pictures.

I have had a few people close to me over in Afganistan and Iraq. Luckily for me I have never had to do this drive as part of the entourage with the bodies.

This was a bridge in a totally desolate area - I have no idea where the people on it came from; but that's an ambulance you see up there too!

This started as a totally grass roots show of patriotism and respect. Organized by no one special it took the governement quite awhile to rename this piece of highway "Highway of Heros" but they did eventually. We have travelled this road ahead of the convoy a few times now - including one of the first trips before we had any clue what this was about. Even then I loved seeing the flags. It was easy to tell it was something special even then.

I have always been proud to be Canadian. I love the grassroots, Canadian nature of this movement. Thank you folks along the 401.

sad losses ...

Bunny No No is no more :(
He died suddenly unexpectedly and in his sleep ...
I have one bag of combings from him - not enough to learn the skills I want to learn
but much more importantly I will miss him .. he had a great and happy heart

I hope he enjoyed being a coddled house bunny his last month of life! (He certainly appeared to enjoy it)

We also lost Coma Kitty (who is only on the cat blog I bet)

2009 continues to teach me about loss and grief ...
it could stop anytime

a lovely, sad, walk

Ashlynn G. Porter

Hank, Sally, Brody, Big T and I went for a long walk at the land today. It was beautiful. Really cold but really lovely. We walked places we hadn't walked before - including some serious bush whacking through the back of the woodlot. We have wood for years just waiting to be cut. We also have posts and rails for the whole property.

I spent much of our walk wishing my aunt Ashlynn would be able to see it some day. However she died on Christmas Day. She was in palliative care in hospital for a week. She had known her cancer had returned last spring but doctors were optimistic that her cancer would be manageable and chronic in nature. Her death was peaceful and calm and she knew she was much loved right until the end but that really doesn't help those of us she left. I'm glad she's not suffering but the ache is amazing. I ache for my mum who is all alone now - no family in her generation at all any more (and she's watched most of them die - her mum, dad, aunt, baby sister, and now little sister). I grieve for Ash's daughter. Another only child (like me), at only 23 she's way too young to lose her mum and her friend. I am saddened for me. Ash was my aunt, like a big sister too (only 12 years my senior she was the same age as my hubby's oldest brother) and a dear friend. She called and left messages often on our answering machine - just cheery little 'notes' saying hi and keeping in touch. I have a collection of physical notes from her too. She made sure people knew they were important to her and she included her immediate family in that effort. She had such a positive life force - she is in large part responsible for Mum and I taking on our crazy projects.
She loved to ride - I'm sure I was allowed to ride because of her efforts. She inculcated me with her competitive spirit as well as the need to be gracious in victory and defeat. I realized today I had been looking forward to riding horses on our property with her in the future.

Life is just not kind sometimes.